At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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