Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize