Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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