I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
