He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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