There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
