my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
