Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
