remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
