if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
