alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
