Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
