I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
