OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Semen is not good for contacts.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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