Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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