I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
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