after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
