I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
