I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
