need another drink. this is the easiest way
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
