thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
