Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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