He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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