Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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