he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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