Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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