guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
