well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
