someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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