my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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