Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
