She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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