Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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