My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
