I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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