Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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