I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Never underestimate the power of titties
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