ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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