I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
