no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
