Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Someone shattered a urinal.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
