Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
