Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
