I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
