hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
