proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
