If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
