Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
