Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
