all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
