Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
