On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Randomize
