Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
