I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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