Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
