i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Randomize