I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize