apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I checked into jail on foursquare
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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