I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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