Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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