A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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