You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
