no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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